Friendship – it's the most overused and misunderstood word in the human vocabulary. When I think about it, I say I have five friends. And to be honest, I find myself VERY lucky to be able to say so.
I suppose, I must start by defining what a friend means to me... To me, real friends are rare... and they are few. And I really do not believe in classifying friends. There is no best-friend, very good friend, and so on... Either you are a friend, or you are not.
Most people I’ve discussed this with say that their "closest" friends are "people I can be myself with" or those who "know the real me". But what causes such an intimacy to develop? For me, it’s essential that my friend:
- Has my complete trust
- Doesn’t judge me
These are the pre-requisites for complete openness and comfort (the feeling of "being yourself") that defines friendship (as opposed to acquaintance) for almost everyone.
Defining trust is simple. Trusting a person is giving him/her the ability to destroy you completely and having the confidence that he/she won’t.
Being non-judgmental is slightly tougher. Human-beings judge. They form impressions within seconds of meeting you, and they respond to those impressions. They accept or reject you on that basis. However, as the relationship solidifies you are accepted as a person. The focus shifts to judging your actions as opposed to judging YOU. There is also a tacit recognition of personal boundaries and the fact that the boundaries will dissolve when the other person feels they should. Failing that, it becomes impossible to be emotionally naked (and extremely vulnerable) in front of anyone.
Obviously, for the relationship to blossom in this way, takes time. The "comfort" is derived from a history of actions, specific indications that one or both of the emotions of acceptance and trust are strengthening. Sure, I’ve clicked with a lot of folks instantly… and that may serve to lower a few barriers and accelerate the process. But it’s not always an indicator of a long-lasting friendship. That develops over time.
This also means that friendship needs work – a lot of it till its ripe, and some more afterwards. Initially, trust is fragile, like glass. Once cracked, it cannot be restored to that earlier flawless state. While fully developed trust is absolute and takes a lot to break, it still needs to be maintained. And then there is complacency – that a friendship is strong enough, a complacency that might creep towards judging your friend.
When you get past it all however, what you are left with is a beautiful feeling – one that combines security, warmth, love, and togetherness – a feeling that doesn’t depend on distance between people, or frequency of contact, concurrence of interests, or spoken or written words. It is a feeling of knowing you are wanted, knowing that your friend will help you be the best you can be, knowing you’ll have a helping hand when you need one. This feeling is the feeling of friendship. It’s pure and it’s beautiful.
How do we know when and how to progress from a casual acquaintance to lasting friendship? Who to choose? When do commit? I suppose that’s instinct. And thank God for that! :-)
To my friends, the reason behind this feeling... I want to say... Thank You... for being a part of what I am… For being MY FRIEND. Jean de La Fontaine sums it up... Friendship: nothing is commoner than the name, nothing rarer than the thing. And you, my friends, are as rare as they come!
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